Wal-mart Circus

I try to avoid Wal-mart as much as possible. Unfortunately there are certain items that are cheapest there, so every once in a while I make a Wal-mart trip. Today was an especially fabulous day... I got to see every type of sideshow.

Now parking at Wal-mart was difficult enough in my Corolla, but in my Explorer it's a whole new ball game. I had to park in the farthest end of the parking lot. Compact parking is out. I drove around for a few minutes before accepting defeat. I'm sure the extra walk did me good.

As I walked into Wal-mart I got stuck behind my first group of predictable Wal-mart shoppers. These are three or four women that are together, making a collaborative effort to stop traffic. They usually manage to block the entire Wal-mart entrance and they walk as if they can barely muster up enough energy to put one foot in front of the other. Today I slipped in front of this herd, managing to enrage one of them enough that she called out, "take time to smell the roses, Honey!" I don't know what roses she is smelling, but I could likely sniff my way through an entire planet of roses, attend a meet and greet with the gardener, drive home, and make dinner for 12 before she even gets through the check-out line.

Then there is that shopper that I call the chronic toucher. She is the one who gets in front of you as you are walking from one end of the store to the other. Every time you gain a little speed, she stops to touch something on an end cap. A t-shirt. A sun dress. Flip flops. Bath rugs. Hand soap. And on and on she goes, inspecting random items but buying nothing.

My next shopper I have dubbed "mom by mistake." This woman can be of any age, and is usually the one with AT LEAST five kids under the age of 10. She seems convinced that the children were dropped off via space craft in the dead of night and acts like they are completely unpredictable aliens. You identify her by the string of loud commands that she screams futilely as she attempts to maneuver 2 loaded carts through the store. "Don't touch that! Stop hitting your sister! Put that down! Don't hit Mommy! No you cannot have that toy! You NEVER even pick up the toys you have!! STOP CRYING!!!" If this Mom ever realizes that there are other people in the store, she'll usually default to some comment to let you know that kids are about the worst thing on the planet.

Then of course I always end up in line behind someone whose purchase(s) make me laugh for a stupid reason. Today I'll call this shopper Lasagna Party Granny. Single servings of just about everything on the grocery aisles filled her cart. One yogurt. One apple. Then, at the bottom of her cart I see her pull out world's largest lasagna. "Party sized" is written on the box. I couldn't help but wonder how much partying Granny plans to do.

With Party Granny in front of me, Pizza Mom got in line behind me. I couldn't help but notice that her entire grocery selection was pizza-related. I'm not sure she realized that there are other food groups. Pizza bagels, frozen mini pizzas, pizza pockets, pizza combo pretzels, Totino's pizza, I mean all kinds of every pizza item that is made. Of course she was the skinniest person I've ever seen in my life. Go figure. Forget the gym--I'm going to lock myself in a house full of pizza products and slowly eat myself out. I should be a size 0 by then, judging on pizza mom's bod.

After all that I wasn't even able to get one of the items I had really wanted- a sun shade for my windshield- which means that I will be headed back in the near future!